I Fed My Own Demon With My Embarrassing Judgment.

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Everything on that day didn’t fall in place. I thought I couldn’t do anything right. I was embarrassed to the point of annoyance. I was annoyed of myself that I wanted to break down. I could hear my subconscious mocking me.

She was mocking me the whole time while I was riding a bus going to Naga City. I closed my eyes hoping I could take a nap and ignore her. She was too loud. I could see her bulging eyes. I could feel her finger pushing my forehead. I was taken aback when she shouted my name. Her caustic voice awakened me from my reverie.

“Are we there yet?”, I asked my friend, Niña.

“Uh, almost there,” she replied. “Have you texted them?”

I grabbed my bag where I put my phone. It took me an ounce of courage to finally open my phone.

“We already left,” Tatay Raul’s message went.

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My inner-self started to panic again. I was uneasy on my seat. I kept looking at the windows to see if we have arrived. At one point, I wanted to suggest to my friend to hop off the bus and go back to Cebu City. Yes, it was a dastard idea.

But before I could tell her, the bus halted. We had arrived. I reckoned it’s too late to retreat. I looked at Niña who looked relaxed, unaware of the war inside me at that moment. She looked excited. The look on her face made me feel even more guilty. I felt really sorry.

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My phone rang. It was Beboy. He told us we might be unable to catch up with them because they were already far. He suggested we ride a motorcycle to Magdooc and wait for them there.

I let a sigh of relief before I hopped on the motorcycle. While my ride climbed its way through the steep barangay road of Naalad, my mind brought me back to the scene earlier that day.

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This emotional ruckus started with the wrong alarm time. Hubby mistakenly set the alarm at 4 pm instead of 4 am. When I opened my eyes that morning, the sun was already up. I quickly got up and checked the time hoping it’s not 8 o’clock yet. My clock said it was five. With the meet-up time set at 6:30am in Naga, I knew I was doomed. I knew it was impossible to arrive on time. Thinking we’d be ONLY 30 minutes late, I pursued it. I did everything like lightning, as fast as I could. I met up with Niña who had been waiting for me for a while. We hurried ourselves to get to South Bus Terminal.

I texted Tatay Raul to please wait for us, but I was too ashamed to tell him we weren’t on the bus yet. I kept my phone inside my bag, not wanting to check it again because I was worried Tatay would ask where we were. (Sorry Tay Raul.) Peace! 44440846_342898453130268_6043908722307104768_n

The smell of the mountain breeze interrupted the flashback play on my mind. Somehow, I felt my heart at ease and not anxious anymore. The green surrounding had calmed me and made me forget my worries.

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We got off at Magdooc and waited for them. Beboy said Sir Aldrich and Tatay Raul were off to meet us there. But an hour almost passed, no one came. When I called Beboy again, he said they were in the highest peak of the area, near a tower. We couldn’t find any higher elevation with a tower except the one we’re facing, so Niña and I climbed it. The funny thing was when we reached the top, we found out, there was a higher hill on the other side. There was a tower, yes, it was a smaller tower though.

We bet on our perhaps and agreed to go there. We had to trail back and ask the locals if there was another higher mountain other than that. They confirmed that it was the highest one. We took a short breather before we started to climb it. Halfway through the climb, we heard voices coming from the street below.

It was Sir Aldrich and Beboy!!! Oh, what a relief!

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We exchanged our hi’s and hello’s and I apologized for causing delay. I was prepared to be blamed or scolded, surprisingly, I did not get any of that. I neither saw that disappointment directed towards me on their faces. They carried on the hike just like nothing happened.

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Personal thought:

Guess, I fed my own anxious demon with worry that it almost ate me.

I thought Tatay Raul would scold me for not replying his texts and not answering his calls. I thought Sir Aldrich would blame me for causing trouble and delay. I thought Beboy would tell me not to do it again. I thought Dian would give me a scornful look. I thought my new friends would look at me with disappointment.

I realized that I have created a fearful image of these people because I judged them out of guilt. While writing this, I realized, my judgment was more embarrassing than my tardiness.

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Peace, everyone!

Over to you, have you misjudged someone? Let me hear it from you!

 

’til next time!

Keep safe!

Love, Demi

 

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Don’t Get Married Because…

Despite the steady decline of people who no longer believe in marriage, there are still more who have faith in it. There are still more people who wanted to get married, who are excited to be married, and who love the idea of getting married.

To these people, here’s for you.

We commit to marriage for lots of reasons. If it is LOVE, that’s wonderful! However, for some, it is not always because of love. In the olden times, they were married because of cultural or family tradition like arranged-marriage, while some are married to pay debts. I’m not sure if it still does exist nowadays.

Marriage is a big commitment. If you are free to make your own decision about this matter, I hope you take time to think about it and ask yourself why.

Regardless of your reasons, don”t get married because of the following.

* Don’t get married because you feel alone and lonely.

First, there’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be alone but not lonely because you are contented and happy with your life without a romantic relationship. On the other hand, you can be with someone but feel lonely and unhappy. Don’t think that having someone will guarantee you happiness. Don’t settle just because you feel lonely or you are afraid to be alone. Marriage is not the answer to your loneliness. You should be happy being alone with yourself first before you decide to marry someone. Don’t put your happiness in someone else’s hand, especially not your partner’s. Be happy with yourself first.

* Don’t get married because you felt pressured.

Isn’t it annoying when people around you keep asking when are you going to get married? But no, don’t compel yourself to marry because your mom wants you to, or because all of your friends have already married. After all, they are not the ones committing that ’til-death-do-us-part’ vow.

Don’t get married because you felt pressured of your age and the length of your relationship. Never marry when you are not ready.

* Don’t get married because your Ex is moving on with someone new.

The emotional mayhem brought by your ex’s engagement with someone new is not enough reason for you to rush into marriage. Don’t get married to prove to your ex that you are the one who got away. Common, you know better than that! If you are stirred up upon hearing the news that he is getting married, let it go. Yes, it is irrational when you’re confident that you have moved on, but that is normal. After all, you had once imagined walking down the aisle with this person. That sting of emotion that is bothering you is okay, but don’t let it push you into marrying your partner now because you want to get even.

 

Marriage is not a race. It is neither the measurement of happiness nor success. Before you say I do, ask yourself if you really do. Get married because you want to and you feel that is right for you.

 

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